I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
