All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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