I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
