**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
