saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
