It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
