if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
