Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
