just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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