This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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