i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
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