I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
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