Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
