You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
