allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
