In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
