My liver just broke up with me...
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize