the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
i now understand why vodka
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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