i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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