I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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