I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
