Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
