I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
