My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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