u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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