your thong is hanging out like whoa
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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