If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
