Only a mothe r could love this liver
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize