There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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