I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
