Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
