I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
