he shaved USA in his pubs
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
