They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
