just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
