Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
