1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
