I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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