there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
