then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
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