So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
