Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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