I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
