I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
