so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
