I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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