Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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