I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
