I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
