I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Randomize
