Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
