I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
