My girlfriend figured out who you are.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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