i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
