Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
